They say you lose yourself in motherhood

I’m not who I was. That is clear.

But I am also not just mother.

I am something else undefined.

The pull between one and two is confusing.

I do not long for the one who was me, she is gone.

Contrary to what society says I should want, I am not complete with the second, that role does not scratch the surface of Me or She.

 

Here I stand in the bloody ashes of the first and the milky mess of the second.

They say you will lose yourself in motherhood like it’s something you will and should endeavour to re-find.

Not possible. The great cosmic void of transformation will not allow it.

 

Who I was is not lost TO ME, who I was is now lost in the expanse OF ME.

Who I am could not even begin to squeeze into the frame of who I was.

She could not even embody half of me.

For I became a portal for the force of entire universe to roar through me.

The primordial waters were my waters and they grew actual Life.

 

So no, my body will never be the same.

How could it?

Neither will my heart and my soul.

Who would want it?

For they hold the entire world now.