Don’t fall in love with someone. Fall into love.
A year ago I completely changed my concept of love. I was heavy hearted, disappointed and ready to give up on the whole relationship thing. After mourning the end of a long relationship that spanned most of my adult life I had spent the best part of 18 months in proactive healing mode (doing everything I could to become okay with choosing to be “out of love” and doing everything I could to eventually get to the place where I might want to “fall in love” with someone again). Up until that point I believed that I needed to be with someone else in order to experience that feeling of being “in love”, the whole Jerry Maguire “you complete me” thing. What a load of horse shit.
The truth of the matter was, deep down I knew that the love I was working so hard to find, I could lose all over again (and potentially lose some of myself in the process). Because on the contrary to many a love song, when it comes to relationships, sometimes love isn’t enough. There was no way I was willing to do that. Not when I’d worked so hard to regather all the pieces and put them back together again. I wasn’t willing to put my happiness, my love, my contentment, my anything into the hands of someone else. No way.
But my inner voice kept quietly insisting that running away from love wasn’t the answer, either. I decided that if I wanted to be “in love” I would do just that. I would somehow find a way to be in a state of love all on my own first. And I didn’t care if that meant that I would be ‘alone’ for the rest of my life… I had many meaningful relationships in my life with family and friends. What I wanted to experience was being in a state of love no matter what day it was or who I was sharing my Saturday morning/dinner/bed/house/fears/hopes/dreams/vulnerabilities/whole entire life with.
Simple: yes, easy: no. I worked bloody hard. I took the advice of a friend (who happens to also be a psychologist… handy!) to write a list of “100 things I absolutely love about myself”. It was the hardest thing I have ever written (cringing all the way through from number 1 to number 100). But every passing day as I moved more and more into my “in love” state, the more comfortable I got with it all and the more I began to believe it. The more I began to believe it, the more people could see the space of love that surrounded me. And the more people could see it, the more they wanted to be in it and the more they wanted to be in it, the more they complimented me with “I LOVE this about you”, almost reciting one of my 1-100’s. It was crazy!
I gave myself the things that I wished someone else would (gorgeous flowers every week, amazing dinners, aromatherapy massages, decadent baths). I tapped into the universal flow of divine love every day through my morning Light Bathing Meditation (check it out for free here). I did my best to look at myself the way I looked at the people I loved so dearly (tricky, very tricky).
Before I knew it, I had found my “in love” state. And you know what?!? The next month I met someone that I wanted to share that space with. And the best thing: they had been on their own journey to create their own space of love too. But this time it was all different because I didn’t need a thing from them. For starters, there was no “falling in love with them” because I was already “in love” (in my own space of love). So instead of falling in love with them (my love being determined by them being there) I simply invited them to be in love (in my space of love), with me. And like most things in life, that space is even better/warmer/more fun when shared. But the most important bit: I don’t need them to feel “in love”, because now I can tap into that space of love at any time all on my own. Woo hoo!
Sending big love from my space of love to you.
If you enjoyed this blog, you might also like my blogs 33 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and The Extreme Gift of Being Single.